People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…