To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.