DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
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Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
This is always good for a laugh.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.