[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Sing it!
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best