You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Awwwww shit.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.