Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
new shirt idea
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.