My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.