Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche