The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
What do you hear?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine