Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”