[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*