I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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wow he looks just like him
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Cool shirt 🙂
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.