My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop