I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
ouch
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!