My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.