Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
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Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
me after drinking all the wine:
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.