“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.