You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
This headline is a thing of beauty
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.