Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
mood
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I’m giving up ice.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.