No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*