The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
#NeverForget
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.