“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
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Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.