Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
You Might Also Like
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
based al yankovic
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree