Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
New favorite tiktok
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
This did not end as expected.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”