*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!