Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
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*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*checks Timeline*…
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
The news is so predictable nowadays
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules