What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
How software testing works
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?