The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I’m too immature for adultery.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it