Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg