My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.