When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
You Might Also Like
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Pikachu found the lost joint
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt