When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
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The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Saving my good tweets for marriage
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable