family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine