My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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ME: finally a program for me
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.