What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
B
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd