Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Jurassic park gets weird
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans