When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Buying a well is money well spent.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.