*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.