Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I feel attacked.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!