I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I put the mess in domestic.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!