Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
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[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.