“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.