Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
#NoRestForTheWicked
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.