[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
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When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Dune (2021)
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*