“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
step 6: release the wall snake
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?