where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I hope they boil the right one.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”