me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.