Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.