Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Wednesday
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.