(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things